In Japan 20: Graduating Part 1/2

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Hey guys so I'm finally graduating! Can you believe it? It's been 4 years since I first came to Japan to study and next thing I knew I'm on my last month. Yes, school or at least the classes will finally be over this month. Then comes winter break and after that is a bunch of days for formalities sake until the grad ceremony in March.

So yeah I just want to share some things I've experienced being here in Japan and studying manga. For one thing, I still couldn't escape the culture shock no matter how I thought I knew Japan even before coming here. Sure it felt natural being in this habitat I admired and wished for for so long but I guess it's not really about just the place. It was the fact that I had no family and no constant friends. Also the language barrier still played a huge role in it. My Japanese is the best it's ever been but I just realized that there's still mountains to climb after the hill.

While I was here I must admit that I did get carried away by the wrong focuses. I should have been here working on my art and concentrating on landing a job and find that career of my dreams. But I am just human, and I think I put too much thought on the people and my ideal way of life. You see I've always been an introvert specially when I first moved to Canada. It was my most awkward years not having friends in the middle of the year and it ate me in the inside. I was really energetic and happy in the Philippines with my group of friends who I've known since I was 5 years old. Then I found myself in a new world forced to speak English. The vultures prayed at me mercilessly and when I graduated from high school I was really happy to "escape".

So then I thought I could now chase after the big dream since I was "free". I went to Japan in hopes to change myself and better my life. Little did I know that my past was always going to be a part of me no matter where I go. In Japan I had a nickname, it helped me remind myself that I was somebody new. My grades and attendance record where perfect and my teachers always praised me for being such a hard worker. I did extra curricular activities, volunteered for everything, talked to anybody happily, balanced my life living alone, I thought nothing could go wrong. I have crafted the perfect mask and I was ready to take on whatever since I was the new me.

But a year passed and it just seemed like none of it was really there. My "friends" could never compare to the ones I knew were true back home. My teachers who were very much impressed by my performance started giving me more responsibilities seeing that I was reliable. And because it wasn't that hard of a job I just said yes to everything. It also helped me pass the time and feel good about myself that I'm polishing my reputation each time.

I was caught up with pleasing people, eager to impress my crush and making sure all my work was perfect. But somewhere in my heart was still that introvert that I have thrown into a world I wasn't used to. I realized that even if I went to parties every week and go out with people from school here and there all they ever did was fill up my facebook with meaningless pictures full of smiles that are half-forced. This wasn't my world.

Ironically I stopped reading manga and the anime I watched became fewer and fewer. For the first time I thought I was becoming a RIAJUU. (<-- a real normal person) But that otaku in me was screaming. I knew I didn't need 100 faceless friends. I knew that those things I wrote for the school magazine interview were almost all lies. I had been featured in the school magazines and pamphlet hundreds of times because of my clean reputation. I was the ideal model student for my international department. But even with all those write ups and pictures I felt empty.

I thought everything would be better as long as I keep piling up the accomplishments. I was one of the first students who started doing job interviews and I had work done to show publishers at an early stage. In my heart I knew I was hoping to land a job not because it would genuinely make me happy, it was because it was another thing I would have a bragging right over.

And only until recently have I finally learned to accept that I was becoming somebody who I wasn't suppose to be. I followed the formula all too well hoping I'd be happy. But when I was standing there in the middle of the room full of strangers who the teachers said would be important connections I finally understood that everyone's smiles were just as fake as mine. I have admired people like this from afar seeing how exciting their lives must be since they were laughing and partying. But when I joined the party and saw that same smile on my face, I started to wonder why I wasn't happy despite scoring all I've wanted.

I wouldn't say it was all for naught. I still don't regret coming here and I made really important memories with friends and strangers. I would like to think I improved in my art too and grasped the Japanese culture for what it really is and not how it's portrayed on TV or anime. I realized that this might not be the country for me. Sure, I'd go back anytime for a vacation. I still love their stores and anime. But as for being an employee, HELL NO. It's totally not worth the convenience of having so many things to do around you but you never have time to enjoy them. Nor can I keep my sanity living in this depressing city full of cold people. They're just so distant and you know those cliche stereotype where people here just can't say what they want directly, IT'S SO TRUE. and it's suppose to save people's feelings but to me it's just all a lie. Even if they try to be respectful it's more of like they show it in their face and in their aura. It's like a passive-aggressive way of dealing with things and I cannot handle that.

It's like this one time when the teacher was trying to stop me from changing classes. He was saying "ok I'll look into it." but his face and his aura was 100% no. I just really think it would be better to be genuine and tell me sorry it's not possible. I wouldn't have taken offense to it. People here always talk shit about people's backs that I don't even know who to trust anymore. They say, they're being respectful but to me it's the most convenient way to detach yourself from all responsibility and I think that's shitty. 

Of course not everyone is bad. And some people might actually prefer this way of living because it's the world they know. But if I have to work so hard to not be myself then I rather stay somewhere else where I can be me. I hate being judged for the way I sit, the way I talk, the way I AM ASIAN even though I'M CANADIAN. Sorry I'm ranting lol. But yeah, all in all, I love Japan as a country but not as a home.

So my plans are to get the hell out of here. I'm not crossing Japan out of my list forever but I'm hoping there's some place else that would be more suited to me. After I graduate I'm going to try living in different parts of the world to have a taste of what it would be like. Explore my options and see what I really want to be doing. If ever I decide that Japan really was the closest to what I want then I can come back. I don't want to jail myself just because I'm pressured by time and money. Knowing myself and my own freedom is worth much more than that. So you might see me around again in your country haha


TBC in part 2 where I talk about the EDITORS, PUBLISHERS and THE MANGA SCENE
PART 2: hei-chan.deviantart.com/journa…
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SpycyHorror's avatar
"where people here just can't say what they want directly" ah how I can relate to that.  I only spent 7 months in Japan but that was the main thing that made me decide I couldn't live there permanently as a foreigner; I felt like I could never fit in.

Congrats on graduating!!  It's great you followed your dream, I'm sure the time you spent there has not only taught you things about the culture, manga, etc. but most importatnly about yourself.  You'll be a stronger person wherever you go next.  Take care <3